Recently I was told SEVERAL times that I have no respect for myself because my language is a “bit colorful” at times. I realize that I have a bold personality and am a bit rough around the edges when it comes to diplomacy, and that my language is not always “clean,” but really?! No respect for myself?! I realize that this person really has no idea who I am as a person or what I have been through in my life. I do not consider myself a victim of those experiences. I see myself as a survivor of those events. That was not always true in the beginning. I had to work very hard to get to where I am today. I did the same things many people do when trying to deal with traumatic events. I tried running away. I crawled into a bottle for a bit. I pushed everyone away. And I put up walls and did not allow many people get to close to me.
I have fought very hard to get to where I am today, to be who I am today. I have overcome many things in my life as I am sure many others have. But for those that do not know me & my history, here are a few. I survived two abusive marriages. I survived one of those husbands putting his hands around my throat and trying to choke me to death. I survived a sexual assault. I survived driving a truck in Iraq where I went through 6 ambushes. I survived a serious fall from the top of a loaded flatbed where I shattered both my wrists and the bridge of my nose. And when the doctors told me that I could not drive a truck any more & no one would hire me because of the limitations the doctors put on me, I created my own job & found a lady that was willing to put me to work and give me a chance to prove I could do it.
I should have serious PTSD and be totally fucked up in the head due to all this, but I am not. Yes, I have some hang ups. Yes, I have some problems. Yes, I some times do not handle issues with other people very well. Yes, trust is a big issue and something that is not easy for me. It is easier to keep people at a distance and not have to worry about how they will betray me than to let then in, trust them, and have them stab me in the back. I am not perfect, but who is? We all have some baggage that we can’t always put away. We all have things about ourselves that we do not like. We all try to work on those things that we want to change. BUT, we didn’t become the way we are over night and it will take more than a day to change it.
Let me tell you something though, respect for myself is not one of the things I need to change. Maybe once in my life, but not today. I am good at my job. I am not perfect, but I am good at my job. I still put up walls and keep most people at a distance, but I do let a few get close, with time. My language is not the cleanest, but it is better today than several years ago and will probably never be totally clean. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my job, but I try not to kick myself to hard when I make a mistake. I try to give other people a chance when they make a mistake, but those chances do not go on forever. I am proud of who I am today and I refuse to allow anyone make me feel bad about the person I am. I will change over time as we all do with new experiences & age, but I doubt the core of who I am wil ever change. So YES! I have LOTS of respect for myself. That will never change!!